[We’re excited and pleased to present this letter directed to the likes of Khemall “Kenny” Jokhoo and other rogue and scam agencies out there making it hard on everyone else. It comes to us from Daron Ratcliff, Collections Manager of Loss Recovery for Cerno Solutions at Vericrest Financial in Dallas, Texas.]
1234 Agencies Around The World BLVD
Anywhere, Planet Earth 56789
Dear Bill Collector:
I hope that this letter finds you in good spirits. Well, no, I’m lying. I hope that you are miserable right now. If not, I’m going to try and share some of my misery with you. The focus of my misery happens to be one of your favorite topics: YOU.
You see, Bill, a few years ago, things started to really change in our industry: The way that we work our accounts; Compliance requirements; The way we leave messages; The way that we look out for one another; THE WAY THAT WE TREAT OUR CONSUMERS. All of these things are different today. And guess what, Bill? The more things change, the more you stay the same. Let this letter serve as a notice to you: You are no longer welcome in our industry, and we want you gone.
“But why?” you ask? Because all that you do is leave a path of chaos. You have no idea of the damage that you really cause, because you have been terminated from the place in question for whatever you did. So, you don’t know. You don’t know about the settlement that your last agency had to pay because of you. You don’t know about the policy changes that went into effect to protect the agency and its employees from the likes of you. You don’t know about the managers hovering over everyone to minimize any future risks. You don’t know about the sleepless nights that you have given to your former colleagues, wondering if they are going to have a place to work at the next day. You don’t know, because you are at another agency right now, starting your vicious cycle all over again.
I hope you don’t mind my calling you Bill. I know that sometimes, you use other names. Names like…….. Attorney, Paralegal, Legal assistant, Special investigator, Court liaison, Security specialist, Loss recovery investigator, Secret Squirrel, Deputy Dawg….oops, sorry! The last two came from my childhood. They were cartoon characters, Bill, just like you.
I’m sorry if I offended you, Bill. I didn’t mean any harm. I mean, we all know how high of a regard that you hold yourself in. We hear you all the time. We see you outside in the smoke area, beating your chest about how great you are, with a cheap cigarette hanging out of the corner of your mouth. They should build a glass box for you to stand in out there. This way, you can see yourself the same way that we all see you: a relic of the past.
I get mistaken for you on occasion, Bill, and it’s really a degrading feeling. I have to explain to the consumer that I treat people with respect. I have to explain to them that we will not be calling their job five times a day. I have to tell them that they are not going to jail. I promise them that I will not slam the phone down on them. I have to assure them that I will not be calling their relatives and divulging information. I have to promise them that I will not set up payments that they did not authorize. I explain to them that I will not be taking my personal issues out on them over the phone. No wonder you can’t play by the rules, Bill. You’re too busy following your own, and making up more as you go along.
You are not a superstar, Bill. Well, not in the real sense. They should associate your name with the other stars like you: people like Marion Jones, Ben Johnson, A-Rod, and Jose Canseco. They are just like you, Bill, because in order to achieve any type of success, they had to cheat. So you be of good cheer, because you are in good company. Too bad you don’t have some of the wealth that they do. If we could get you to follow the FDCPA, maybe you could stay somewhere long enough to build a real life for yourself.
In closing, let me just say that we, as a collective, want you to find another way to earn a living. You are not just a threat to our profession, but a threat to our way of living. You see, we take pride in what we do, and how we conduct business. We do not recognize you for your “great” accomplishments. We see you as a blemish on our industry, a rash even. A rash that we are tired of scratching. You are no longer welcome in this industry. You, my friend, are a joke. You are a walking fo paux; a one liner without the cymbal crash. A juicy pimple. Go and find yourself another way to earn a living. Don’t let the door hit you on the– well, you get the picture. Take care.
The Professional Debt Collector