Most of us will have the day off tomorrow for Thanksgiving. I plan to relax with family (more likely, listen to my boys complain about how bored they are), watch football (I hope my Jets will dismantle the prolific New England offense — that will give Jet’s fans something to be thankful for), eat plenty of great food (like I don’t eat enough every other day of the year), take a long walk (to free up some space for 2nds and 3rds), give thanks for all of the blessings in my life and most important, laugh out loud.
To get the ball rolling a day early, I compiled my top 10 list of the funniest Thanksgiving quotes. Forward your favorites along.
#10 “Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” – Johnny Carson
#9 “This was a really, really big year for me. I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” – Andre Kelley
#8 “You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” – Jay Leno
#7 “Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” – Stephen Colbert
#6 “Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.” – Erma Bombeck
#5 “The thing I’m most thankful for right now is elastic waistbands.” Unknown Author
#4 “The turkey that President Obama will pardon this Thanksgiving is from California. The turkey said, “I don’t need a pardon. I need a job.’” – Conan O’Brien
#3 “I love Thanksgiving turkey… it’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.” – Arnold Schwarzenegger (maybe I should have left that one off)
#2 “Thanksgiving. It’s like we didn’t even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?’” – Jim Gaffigan:
And my favorite: “Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” – Kevin James
Maybe John Fitzgerald Kennedy said it best when he proclaimed, “As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”