Doing it Wrong: No Major Screw-Ups, So Masked Assassins it Is

In my hometown of Klamath Falls, Oregon, there’s a headstone in the Linkville Cemetery that reads Joe [Laws], child of H.G. & M.T. LAWS, murdered by masked assassins, June 24, 1882, aged 15 years.

I never knew there was a headstone for a boy murdered by masked assassins until someone on a Facebook messageboard about my hometown sort of casually threw it out there:

“I spent so much time in that cemetery and NEVER saw anything stranger then the lady that would come put toys on the child’s grave. The second strange thing was the grave of the kids killed by masked assassins. The third strange thing was some teenagers who were knocking over headstones.”

This was followed by someone who wanted to remember that place people used to get the french fries, which was followed by someone who wanted people to share what make and model car they used for cruising the downtown strip on a Saturday night.

I KNOW.

Let’s get back to the masked assassins.

First off, really? A headstone about a kid killed by masked assassins (-sins? PLURAL?!?) is the second strange thing you’ve seen? How on earth is that not the FIRST strange thing? Or the ONLY strange thing? I mean, MASKED ASSASSINS.

But people kept ignoring the masked assassin story in order to ask if anyone remembered the soda shop on Main Street or senior skip day at the high school or, and I’m quoting exactly here: “I remember licking the S&H green stamps and putting them into a paper book/album, then going to the S&H Green Stamp store with my mom to redeem the fulled out books for something for the house.”

Thank GOD that historian is holding on to that memory, lest it be lost forever.

I tried to get to the bottom of the mystery. I was foiled at every turn. My friend Catherine sent me an email: “Wow – I’m following this Klamath Falls Assassidrama. They are trying to distract you, to keep you from getting to the bottom of the masked mystery.”

In an effort to get everyone back on the track of what was truly interesting and important, I posted the following on the “Klamath Falls: Remember When…” page:

“Yes yes yes, Klamath Falls was idyllic [editor’s note: Klamath Falls was not idyllic, unless idyllic is not Latin for mosquitoes, lots of them] and blah blah blah burger shack — but can we just re-direct for a moment back to the story told a couple of days ago about MASKED ASSASSINS KILLING SOME KIDS? I feel like that might be the most important story running right now, but we’re losing sight of it because someone wants to remember beer pong.

ASSASSINS, PEOPLE!”

And then my entire hometown turned on me.

“If people don’t like the reminiscing about things of the past, why did you sign up for this group? Reminiscing is the whole point.”

“Can I ask why we should get worried about something that happened in 1882? Or was this all just for attention?”

“I have to agree; if you are not wanting to reminisce about Klamath then I am not sure why you joined this group and if someone else included you without your knowledge why wouldn’t you just remove yourself?”

“leave it up to the one person that’s always in the crowd to be totally negative no matter what is going on.if you don’t like the positive feedback that is on here go find a site that caters to your negativity. NUFF SAID ON THAT!!”

‘Nuff said, indeed.

There’s a 1990 German film called The Nasty Girl (oh, stop it), in which a young woman discovers, while writing an essay called “My Town During the Third Reich,” that her town was more involved in Third Reich stuff than it had previously admitted. She’s shunned and castigated, and never really triumphs, even though the town wants to put a bust of her up at town hall, because she knows that it’s just a ploy to keep her quiet.

I’m not saying that the Klamath Falls Masked Assassins were Third Reich Nazis.

I am saying that I know what it’s like to be a Nasty Girl. (STOP IT.)

No one said being a hero for truth was going to be easy. I’m not risking everything to get to the bottom of some nineteenth century masked assassins for the fame, fortune, or romance of it all. Some things you do because how many people out there can say that they come from a small town with masked assassins? (I’m really hoping it’s 0 people, because that’s sort of my big selling point when I’ve been pitching this to movie execs. I’m hoping to cast Angela Lansbury as Facebook in the film I want to make about this. Catherine thinks Patti Lupone should play me. I think she’s right.)

So who’s doing it wrong? The town of Klamath Falls is, for hiding its Masked Assassins light under a bushel, and for not leading proudly with the most interesting thing about it. Because for serious: all-night skates at Skateland or making out on KGO Hill? So not worth remembering.

Unless you want more stories of Mike Bevel’s childhood in rural Oregon — and there are plenty – you could help us at insideARM out by sending along news stories or videos where you think someone is Doing it Wrong. Follow Mike on Twitter @MikeBevel_iA or email him mbevel@kaulkin.com.